I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
