I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
