well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
