we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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