BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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