it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
