we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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