You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
