Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
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