He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
God I need to hump something, right now.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
