He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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