I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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