I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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