best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Terrible idea I love it
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
