I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
