Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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