I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
