"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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