i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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