He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
