i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
