I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize