what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
So much Jack, so little girl.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
