I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
