if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
