Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
