it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
