Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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