Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
