3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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