Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
