He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
