return my video game
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
