It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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