More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
