I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
