Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
