i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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