He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
