If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize