I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
