those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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