we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize