dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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