it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
