I want to have your abortion
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
