Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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