You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I CAN MOONWALK!
are you so shy because you have an std?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
