I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
