All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
