I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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