I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
