i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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