I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
