Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
