if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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