What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm both gender and math confused
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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