he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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