Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
