Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
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