I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
