she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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