She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
