he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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