There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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