Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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