I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize