I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
