He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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