She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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